fuck you I want it all

I am a 20 year old college student.  My generation drinks, smokes, and fucks.  We are promiscuous.  We are undedicated, ignorant, and lazy.  Our attitude towards relationships is either clingy or uninvolved.  The real relationships I see between friends are dramatic and short-lived.  No one falls in love mutually anymore.  There are no courtships or first dates.  There is no hand holding or chivalry.  Girls are considered crazy if they want a relationship after sex.  Guys only want the sex, and no relationship.  No one thinks about the future.  No one thinks about starting a family.  No one talks about how many kids they want, because how anti-youth is that?  To talk about these things is considered ridiculous and archaic. 

Why is it such a thing of the past to desire a family at the age of 20?  I am a woman, not a girl.  I crave sex, but I also crave intimacy with one other person.  I want to be with someone who also wants to be with me.   In another part of the world, I would have already been married and probably had a few children by now. 

I want my degree and I want a husband and I want children.  I want it all.  But the attitude of my peers towards starting a family is non-existent.  It hasn’t even crossed their minds.  I’ve been craving motherhood on and off since I was 15 years old.  I’ve been craving a relationship with a good man since I was about 18 or 19.  I fell in love with a boy.  They’re all boys.  I have no real men in my life.  Not here in the undergraduate world.  It seems boys don’t become men until they get their degrees and lose the construct of the college social life.  It’s then that they realize there is a gaping hole in their life.  Most focus on their career, or just go back to school to get their masters.  Either way, they fill the hole with either a new social life at work, or the same construct they had back in undergrad.

And here I am: just wanting to hold your fucking hand.  I love everyone I meet.  As a person, as a lover, as someone I want to connect with and truly meet.  I give out so much more love than I receive.  The heartbreak comes from not being able to be angry at the people in my life for their ignorance towards my love and energy.  I give so much of it, and they simply don’t return the favor because they don’t recognize devotion when they see it.  Again, the idea of such an entity existing in their lives just hasn’t even crossed their sheltered, self-involved minds.  I constantly think of everyone but myself.  I put every single person before me.  I’d rather hurt myself than hurt you.  And I’ve done that plenty of times.  It’s incredibly unhealthy to have the empathy and heart that I possess in my day and age.  It will pay off 5 or 6 years from now, but the pain it’s putting me through and the pain it will put me through will break me.  I’ll crumble before my beloved peers come to my level and realize the emotions they’ve been missing out on.  My eyes blur with bitter salt tears every time I think about how helpless I am to find a person like me.  Who wants what I want and can really connect.  It’s a waiting game, and my patience is wearing thin.